I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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