she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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