just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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