That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
a search helicopter?!
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
