my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize