Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
