So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
