i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
