I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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