'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
