Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
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So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
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I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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