Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
