I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
