Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Randomize
