I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
