I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
im holly from the hills drunk
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Randomize
