Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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