dude i'm inner monologue high
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
