Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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