Where did you get a picture of my penis
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
