Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
