ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
