Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
