The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
