I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
