she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
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