Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
