just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
