Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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