True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
