Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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