I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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