the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
