Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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