Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Randomize
