i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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