moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
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