I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
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He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
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