i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Panties = found
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
