I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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