I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
