Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
