I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
