Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
