just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
