I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
