So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
