I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
