I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
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Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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