If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
he told me I talked like a deaf person
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
