Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
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I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
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