But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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