We got so high we made milksteak
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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