someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Randomize
