Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Found your dick twin last night
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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