I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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