you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
