Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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