I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
