there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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