Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
