OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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