you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
