So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
