He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
